Monday, October 29, 2012
Today was my grandmother's funeral. It has been quite a flood of emotions being here for this, but I am so thankful that we were able to make the trip. My grandmother, in years past, has completely filled my mind with memories. Memories between me and her, and memories of hers from long ago. I am so blessed to be able to cherish these memories and carry them with me for the rest of my life.
Grandma Miller really left behind quite a legacy. I have become re-inspired to be the most productive, working at home, mother and wife that I possibly can be. She did it all. She was an incredible hostess, always ironing the lenins, stocking the pantry with treats for us grand kids, having menus planned for every meal of every day that she had guests. She even made goodie boxes for us kids to welcome us into her home. While grandpa did most of the cooking, she had everything planned and loved baking with us grandkids.
Grandma had 4 children of her own, 3 sons and 1 daughter. She has 8 grandkids now, 12 great-grandkids, and 2 great-great grandkids. She was faithfully married to one man for going on 71 years. They were married in the church they met at, on Christmas day, at ages 19 and 20. The absolute worst part of saying goodbye to her, is watching the heartache that my grandpa is facing. He did not sleep at all last night (before the funeral). He has no motivation to eat. He said tonight that this past week has been "lousy" for him, and that it was so hard to see his girl go. He calls her "my girl." I had never seen him or my dad (except maybe once or twice) cry before this weekend. One of the hardest things I've seen. His love for her is a very beautiful thing, and he feels incomplete without her. Sleeping alone after 70 years is absolutely terrible, according to him.
The beautiful thing about this weekend is that so much family, from around the country, have come to be a part of this. We spent the whole day with grandpa today after the funeral reminiscing and enjoying each other's company. It was such a blessing to see everyone and catch up with them. I hate that we can't be with my grandpa 24/7, but it is what it is.
In closing, I want to share the hymn that was my grandma's favorite and that was sung beautifully today at her funeral.
"In The Garden"
I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The Son of God discloses.
And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.
He speaks, and the sound of His voice, Is so sweet the birds hush their singing, And the melody that He gave to me Within my heart is ringing. I’d stay in the garden with Him Though the night around me be falling, But He bids me go; through the voice of woe His voice to me is calling.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
I have some incredible women of God in my life. I am so grateful that I know them, and that they are willing to impart wisdom on me! Most of them are wives and mothers which is just a blessing for me to be around. Wednesday morning I was inspired and encouraged by my small group leader with this scripture: "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." - Deuteronomy 6:5-7 I have been seriously slacking on my time with my Jesus. I somehow find other things to distract me and keep me busy. How easily I forget that being with Him is a joy, and charges me to be loving mother and wife. A loving Christian. More than that, He calls us as believers to spend time with Him. WHY DON'T WE?! Of course some do, but I know a lot of "Christians" who do not delight in His word. I am guilty of that at times myself. It's really a devastation. This couple of verses have really encouraged me to LOVE God in every way I possibly can, and then to teach them to my daughter. Yes, she is only a baby, but I need to love God in every way NOW so that I can train her to love Him too. What a joy, what a delight to be able to trust in Jesus! Happy Friday!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
There is this series of events happening all around my life right now. These events are so far from each other, yet they are the same thing. They both have to do with the loss of a precious life - a son or a daughter - either by choice or because they were taken from their grasp. I have two sets of friends who have recently lost their precious babies, and only God knows why. One girl friend of mine just commemorated the one year of her second child dying prematurely. That same friend also lost her third child within a year of the other one. Both were sweet baby girls, about 6 months in utero. I am absolutely dumb-founded as I think upon her situation. I literally cannot grasp why this would happen to a person, it is the greatest pain I can imagine. But not just once, TWICE, my sweet friend has had to go through this. It is heart-wrenching to think about. My other friend is an old friend from high school. We really don't talk anymore, but my husband and I learned yesterday that they delivered their baby boy two weeks before his due date, stillborn. Oh the devastation! I can't fathom being prepared and ready for this new addition to our lives, a blessing from the Lord, and then to see that taken away in an instant. Life could never be the same! It's not just a bad dream to wake up from and be comforted by. No, it was a very real baby who very literally was taken from the hands of his loving parents. There is no way to mentally escape from an event like this, these things truly happen. Then on the other side of us, my husband and I know two women who are pregnant and want nothing to do with this child. A series of events is what got them pregnant, and they were not prepared or wanting to have a baby at all, but regardless they have created a life. The Bible says that children are a blessing from the Lord, an inheritance (Psalm 127). Though conceived in sin, that child still has a purpose and is still a blessing. The story with these two ladies is the opposite of my other friends. One of these two recently had an abortion to end the ties she had to the baby's father. The other one talked to us on the phone for an hour last night weighing out her options. To her, abortion is the only way out of this bad relationship. The dynamics of these four individual situations are.....just.....absolutely......crazy. I wish I had a better word than "crazy" to describe this. On the one hand, there are these loving godly parents who want nothing more than to have their babies safe in their arms. Then there's the other parents who want nothing to do with the life that is growing inside of them, the precious little life that is 100% dependent on its mother. We are pleading with this second mother to let us adopt her baby, to just wait it out 6 more months and then let us raise him/her. Yet, to this mother there is still something telling her that giving her child up for adoption is equal to ending its life. All of these things compiled together, all happening within about a month of each other, has really made me burdened. I believe that God has given me the gift of empathy, which sometimes feels like a curse. I truly feel deep pain when other people do. I can imagine being that person and all that they are going through. Given this gift, I don't always know what to do with it. All I can do is give my burdens to the Lord, and let Him work out every situation that I give to Him. I am still extremely heavy hearted right now and at a loss for having any more answers than, "Jesus!" There is all that tugging at my heart strings, on top of my grandma Miller being under hospice care starting last week. She has maybe 3 weeks left. My grandpa is absolutely sick with worry. After 70 years of marriage, I cannot imagine the pain. About 6 months ago my other grandma (Mom's mom) died of a stroke. Lots of pain going on my in family right now, but I am so grateful for my Savior. I am so grateful to know Him and to be able to rest at His feet. I am burdened that neither of my grandma's truly knew Him and trusted their souls to Him. (At least not that it was made known). Jesus thank you that I can cast my cares upon You, and that You care about me! Thank You for being the Comforter for those who trust in You. Thank You that You provide peace that surpasses all understanding. Please grant that peace to each of Your children that I wrote about here, and please grant me the peace to give this all to You. Help me to be the best mother and wife I can be, and to not let these burdens affect my loved ones. Thank You for being the life-Giver and that You know why each of these things happens.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Rhetorical Question.:) Most women want to have kids, but dread the discomforts of pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Ruby, yes, I remember having a lot of discomforts and complaining quite a bit toward the end. It frustrates me, however, when pregnant women don’t take into consideration the miracle that is happening inside of them. Instead they focus on how much it ‘sucks’ and how badly they want it to be over. There tends to be an emphasis on it being over, not necessarily having their little miracle in their arms. I have struggled over the last few months, really since Ruby has been born, with fears of future pregnancies. Since mine went so well, no morning sickness (just nausea) and no discomfort until the last month or two, and a perfectly normal, natural birth and an amazingly healthy baby girl etc., I fear, “what will go wrong next time?” I have some serious fears of potential future miscarriages, stillborns, unhealthy babies, etc. The fear is really crippling and the reality is that I am not exempt from any of those things happening. But, from what I’ve talked to other moms about, that is just part of being a mother. Fears I had never considered before are now very present in my mind. It is a constant process of casting my cares before Him, so as to not live out of that fear. The part that I’m wondering if I’m strange about is this; I loved being pregnant. I miss being pregnant. I savored a lot of my time with Ruby kicking inside of me, praising God for that miracle. I think pregnancy is SO amazing, and I WANT to experience it again. My daughter is only 9 ½ months old, but I want to be pregnant again. I feel like most other moms around me endure pregnancy, but really just want to have a kid. I want to get pregnant to experience that miracle all over again. And of COURSE to have another beautiful Bradley baby. I, however, am not the best mother in the world. My impatience, especially at night time, really makes me fear that I won’t do well with more than one child. I am realizing that I am so insecure about my mothering abilities, yet I want to have more babies. It doesn’t make sense. (By impatience at night time, I just mean I am short with my husband when he can’t fix her crying and if she wakes up more than 2 times at night I can’t bare the thought of more than one child doing that to me during the night. I am not harmful towards anyone in my family, just to clarify!) I guess no one really masters being a mother, at least not when their child is only 9 ½ months old. I guess I am just wrestling with wondering if I am being selfish by wanting to be pregnant and have another baby, or if this is just a God-given desire that I am called to satisfy. It seems like nobody around me (only a couple of exceptions) would want to become pregnant before their child is even one year old. I’ve been warned against it, which makes me feel like I’d be irresponsible to do so. Ultimately it comes down to two things: whether or not my husband feels ready, and whether or not it is God’s will. My husband is absolutely ready to have another baby, whether biologically or via adoption. I just want to be pregnant again… that’s what it comes down to. I feel weird because of it. There are a few factors to consider before becoming pregnant, i.e. loose weight, buy a bigger house, and insurance. This is me being utterly and completely honest…. On the internet of all things. I am being very vulnerable by putting my thoughts out there like this, so maybe take that into consideration before posting comments. To go a step further in my open honestly, I haven’t gotten pregnant yet and haven’t done a great job of preventing either. ☺ So glad my wonderful husband is on the same page as me. I guess we’ll know if it’s God’s timing IF and when I actually do get pregnant. It’s not exactly up to me anyway, He is in control of my life. I am thankful for that!