Am I strange?

Rhetorical Question.:) Most women want to have kids, but dread the discomforts of pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Ruby, yes, I remember having a lot of discomforts and complaining quite a bit toward the end. It frustrates me, however, when pregnant women don’t take into consideration the miracle that is happening inside of them. Instead they focus on how much it ‘sucks’ and how badly they want it to be over. There tends to be an emphasis on it being over, not necessarily having their little miracle in their arms. I have struggled over the last few months, really since Ruby has been born, with fears of future pregnancies. Since mine went so well, no morning sickness (just nausea) and no discomfort until the last month or two, and a perfectly normal, natural birth and an amazingly healthy baby girl etc., I fear, “what will go wrong next time?” I have some serious fears of potential future miscarriages, stillborns, unhealthy babies, etc. The fear is really crippling and the reality is that I am not exempt from any of those things happening. But, from what I’ve talked to other moms about, that is just part of being a mother. Fears I had never considered before are now very present in my mind. It is a constant process of casting my cares before Him, so as to not live out of that fear. The part that I’m wondering if I’m strange about is this; I loved being pregnant. I miss being pregnant. I savored a lot of my time with Ruby kicking inside of me, praising God for that miracle. I think pregnancy is SO amazing, and I WANT to experience it again. My daughter is only 9 ½ months old, but I want to be pregnant again. I feel like most other moms around me endure pregnancy, but really just want to have a kid. I want to get pregnant to experience that miracle all over again. And of COURSE to have another beautiful Bradley baby. I, however, am not the best mother in the world. My impatience, especially at night time, really makes me fear that I won’t do well with more than one child. I am realizing that I am so insecure about my mothering abilities, yet I want to have more babies. It doesn’t make sense. (By impatience at night time, I just mean I am short with my husband when he can’t fix her crying and if she wakes up more than 2 times at night I can’t bare the thought of more than one child doing that to me during the night. I am not harmful towards anyone in my family, just to clarify!) I guess no one really masters being a mother, at least not when their child is only 9 ½ months old. I guess I am just wrestling with wondering if I am being selfish by wanting to be pregnant and have another baby, or if this is just a God-given desire that I am called to satisfy. It seems like nobody around me (only a couple of exceptions) would want to become pregnant before their child is even one year old. I’ve been warned against it, which makes me feel like I’d be irresponsible to do so. Ultimately it comes down to two things: whether or not my husband feels ready, and whether or not it is God’s will. My husband is absolutely ready to have another baby, whether biologically or via adoption. I just want to be pregnant again… that’s what it comes down to. I feel weird because of it. There are a few factors to consider before becoming pregnant, i.e. loose weight, buy a bigger house, and insurance. This is me being utterly and completely honest…. On the internet of all things. I am being very vulnerable by putting my thoughts out there like this, so maybe take that into consideration before posting comments. To go a step further in my open honestly, I haven’t gotten pregnant yet and haven’t done a great job of preventing either. ☺ So glad my wonderful husband is on the same page as me. I guess we’ll know if it’s God’s timing IF and when I actually do get pregnant. It’s not exactly up to me anyway, He is in control of my life. I am thankful for that!