This week I've experienced much heartache. Much more than I care to explain to anybody I know except my Creator. During worship yesterday morning we sang a song with a line that says "Break my heart for what breaks Yours" and I cried out to God that this was truly my prayer - and - well, he granted me that. Right after the service I saw something that completely broke my heart which probably wouldn't have if I had never asked for His heart. There's a woman at my church who her and her husband have been going there the last 8-9 years. They seemed to be a very sweet couple and very to themselves. I'm not sure how many friends they had as a couple, but they had each other. She is probably early thirties now and her and her husband had a baby boy last year. A few months after their son was born, her husband had a heart attack...in his mid-thirties! Now this sweet woman is stuck alone raising their baby boy. I don't know her well at all, but yesterday after the service as I was cleaning up the coffee cart I saw her - alone - walking with her baby boy's hand in hers, as he was learning to walk. I saw that and started bawling. I am bawling right now as I remember her. Ever since then she has been a huge prayer on my heart. Seriously this life can be so messed up. Things happen that shouldn't, that God never originally designed and honestly I hate that. I hate that someone has to be alone raising her baby and her husband isn't around to see their sweet little boy learning to walk. I haven't experienced much death at all in my family so I have no idea what it feels like. But with the people I know who have, my heart is so broken for them. I believe it breaks God's heart that anyone has to experience the loss of a loved one. I don't know, I just feel very devastated for her, my heart seriously feels like it has been torn in two. I'm so sorry that something like that had to happen to her.
I was just journalling - something I haven't done in a couple of weeks, and I was recapping the major things in my life that had happened since the last time I had journaled. There are ups and downs, as there are in everyone's lives. But it seems to me that I've seen a lot of downs this week which calls for some much needed quiet time with my God. I am so thankful that only He can heal my heart and that he feels my hurts. I am so thankful that his heart breaks when ours does. But I am also so thankful that He can alone restore each of our lives. That is so amazing to me. While I'm in the midst of heartache I know that my Creator is bigger, and that alone gives me something to live for.
The verse that came to my mind as I was journalling and praying about all the heartache in my life right now, was Isaiah 50:8-9 which was the school verse for my School of Biblical Studies. It gives me such peace, and it says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." I am so glad that although life sucks sometimes, my God has a plan that is higher and bigger than what we can see with our earthly eyes. Wow, I need the Lord in my life so much in this year than I can even explain.
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